I Gave out My Toast!!!

My four year old asked what I did at the “grown up party” after the wedding and I told him I gave a toast….after a lot of questions and me and Law Man trying to explain the situation, he asked, “did everyone like the toast you handed out?”

Many of you have asked to see the real toast, so here it is…a little long, but heartfelt.

When Dillon and I got married, 10 years ago this July, we were naïve enough to think that inviting the parents to the extended part of our honeymoon was a good idea.  We had a lovely time, but it didn’t take long for us to realize that what they had been warning us about…the “when you get married you are on your own” comments had started that Saturday night, in the church, before God and our friends and family.  I vividly remember resting on the portel in New Mexico the first night of our trip while I watched Dad and Dillon meet in the yard.  Dad had something he wanted to give Dillon.  I’m thinking, keys to a new car, money for graduate school, money to supplement my wardrobe while Dillon finished law school.  No, it was a yellow folder and inside were the documents to my six year old Toyota Corolla that I had helped pay for and the information about who to contact to have the insurance payments turned over to us.

I have to admit my feelings were a little bit hurt at the time.  How could my parents that raised me give me away so easily….and did they even know if Dillon had what it took to “deal” with me?  In the years since, we still joke about this event, but I have realized what a huge gift my parents gave me that day.  They gave me the gift of independence, and the gift of their confidence that we would be fine.  That is not to say it goes without struggles, tears, sleepless nights, fear of how are we going to pay that bill, and the despair that comes when you wonder if you will ever get to have a baby.  And, as I parent my children I realize that it was not “that easy” to just give me away….they had been preparing for that since before I was born and they knew then as I know now that someday my relationship will change with my children too.

So tonight, Mary and Joel, I give you this same gift…..a yellow folder.  The gift of the promise that I do believe you have what it takes and I have confidence that you and Joel will make this work and mold your lives into your own family.

Mary, I promise to answer the door when you show up crying.  I will ask what “horrible thing he did” and offer you a can of coke….then, when you are finished, I will stand up, walk you to the door, and tell you to go home and call tomorrow to “tell me how it works out.”

I promise allow you and Joel to pay for your own meals when we meet up as a family even when I know you are wondering, “how are we going to pay that bill.”

I promise to listen when you can’t afford that vacation “you need” but, not offer to scoop you up and take you on a girl’s trip.

I make these promises because that is how I managed to create my own family that I am so proud of and I am confident that my boys will have what it takes one of these days.  I wish nothing less for you.

Joel, I know you have what it takes.  I have seen you treat Mary and her family with such love and compassion and with so much understanding over the past couple of years.  Your time, with us, through these hard times has gained you a lot of “brownie points” with me.  But, there is still a lot of healing to be done.  It will not be easy and it will not happen over night, but I give you my promise that it will be worth the effort.  Someday we will have drama free family dinners, and vacations with all of our families hanging out together with no fear of saying the wrong thing.  Some day we will expect nothing from each other but good company and good food.

And to you both, from Kahlil Gibran,

Let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another but make not a bond of love:

Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

So, with this, I offer a toast to Mary and Joel, Merry met, and merry part, I drink to thee with all my heart.