The first week of 2012 has been full of reflection and resolution.  In cleaning up my computer to speed things up a bit, I came across a letter I wrote to my niece who was born last March.  I have a special place in my heart for each of my children and all of my nieces and nephews, but it is a strange thing to look at this little girl and see so much of my mother and grandmother.  Little LuLu has brought us all so much joy!

February 24, 2011 (Eleven days after I spent the day praying for sweet Jude Eli and two days after we spent all evening playing family charades trying to cajole Little LJ out….I just realized I never posted about this.  Tomorrow!!!  I promise.)

Dear Lucye,

I am sitting down to write you a letter because you and your mom are all I can think about this morning.  We are so excited about your arrival, but your mom is being stubborn and is insisting that she stay with her 5^th grade class until you are “really ready” to be born.

There are several reasons I am so excited for your arrival….the pink, the bows, the shopping….although I am not a big shopper…..and our future trips to New York and Paris.  I am also excited about what your birth will represent.  The past few years have been so painful for your mom, Aunt Mary and me.  We loved our mother, your grandmother so much, but it became clear that we could not save her and she finally gave up the fight.  That was one of the biggest defeats of my life and I am sure my sisters would say the same.

Your birth feels like a new start.  Not a complete do over, just a new bud on a tree that has been dormant for awhile.  I love your brother’s name, Jesse.  Every time I hear it I am reminded of the verse in the Bible that is included to trace the genealogy of Christ.  “There shall come a shoot from the stump of Jesse…”  Isaiah 11.  You represent what is left.  Not just the memory of your grandmother, but a legacy.  A legacy that although went through a dormant phase, is still present.  It is a legacy that came from generations of love and struggle, from both you mother’s family and the family of your father.  It gives us permission to take our family story and go on to create another chapter.  This is the chapter where we can decide the ending and can heal from the past.

Your name and gender are such clear signs of this transformation, but your brothers and cousins are equally a part of the destiny of this family.  Your aunts and uncles, mom and dad, will do our best to lead you in a way that allows you to find peace and happiness, but as you get older, the hard part will be up to you.  You alone can decide what God’s plans are for your life.

Your mother is one of the strongest people I know….in fact, at times this is her weakness.  My prayer for you is that you find strength in your relationships with others and let them hold you up when you feel weak.  Your mother is also stubborn, she willed your brothers into this world and she is willing you into being as well.  I anticipate you will inherit this characteristic too.  Use it wisely, it can either lift you up or hold you down.

I know in my heart your grandma Patti is holding you right now, ready to hand you into our care; we are ready.  Kiss her for us….it is time for you to arrive.

We will love you forever!  Please let her know that it is her love and devotion that will be our family legacy.

Aunt Amy

Things have been very quiet here on R&TM.  This, again, was unintentional.  This time it lasted longer than usual and there have been times that I wondered if I would leave things this way.  This blog has become sacred space for me.  A place where I can be me…the me that loves to create but also is in constant battle with myself about what I can do to make myself whole again after losing myself in my mothers illness.  I was sad to see it come to an end, but what has always come as a natural longing to write in a public forum seemed to be gone.

Today it hit me.  I haven’t been silent here because I had given up.  I was silent here because I have been healing.  Opportunities have arisen as catalysts to facing things and people that I was afraid to confront.  This is difficult in the midst of raising two little boys.  They have needs that only I can meet and the older and more active they become, the more demanding they can be.  Needless to say, this does not lend itself to fertile soil to confront this emotional *stuff*.  Know thy self, is a phrase that I often meditate upon.  And, knowing myself has kept me keenly aware that I do need to confront these shadows that have remained in the wake of my mother’s death.  So, I persevered and moved toward them instead of away.  The dilemma was that every step forward seemed to lead to two steps back.  The more forgiveness I felt the more I missed my mom.  The more relationships I fostered in her memory the more I just wanted her back instead.  It was in this process that the giant weight fell on me.  The last couple of years of her life I felt a constant sense that her not being here would be better than the pain she was causing.  The boulder that fell on me was that no, it is not.  I wish she were here.  Sure I wish she had found a place to be whole, but either way, I just want to hear her voice and tell her about my kids.

This is where I spent the holidays.  I wrestled with this truth and the more I wanted to tuck it away and “just enjoy the time with the family I had left” I kept it in my heart and on my mind.  Now, as the dust is settling from the season, I can see that the steps that I felt were going backward were tiny and the steps forward are leading me through this darkness and I am healing.

So, it looks like I am back.  Back to share the magic of Christmas that we experienced here with my mom’s presence and memories.  Here to remind everyone to continue creating your own beauty and make space for the simple things in life.  My word this year,

healing |ˈhēliNG| noun

the process of making or becoming sound or healthy again: the gift of healing.

So, why this year, am I feeling more like the old Smashing Pumpkins album, Mellon Collie and the Infinite Saddness? Thoughts of my mom and my family that haunt me when I am awake and while I am sleeping. This is year 3 of holidays since mom died and the world keeps spinning, but I feel very stuck. Stuck in grief and “what if’s”. It is so easy to fantasize of how great the holidays would be, “if only……” My boys, all three of them, are so excited about all of our plans. The lights, the decorating, the tree, the food. The boys really believe it will snow this year. Bless their hearts. We have had snow three of the past six Christmas’ here in Oklahoma. That is about how many we had during my entire childhood and they are predicting a very dry winter.

This season of infinite saddness will end, I know it will. Infinite Thanksgiving will return. Until then….

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”
–Maya Angelou

I spent Friday having lunch with one of mom’s friends.  She talked about her 60th and all that has happened sense.  I think mom would have liked it.  She would tell me that she “feels” old but I know she would be beautiful….she always was.  I wonder what she would think of having five grandchildren and if she would make it to all of their sporting events, school assemblies and family dinners.  She would love that Tracy has mastered so many of her family recipes and laugh that no matter how hard I try I still can’t bake to save my life.  And I know she would be amazed at the young woman her baby Mary has become.  She would enjoy her sons in law as much or more than her daughters.  I know she would be going nuts over the OU and OSU football seasons this year.

I don’t think I will ever get used to the idea of not having a mom.  I will probably dream of her and have pretend conversations until I die.  It is strange not to have anyone ask what we are doing for her birthday this year.  I guess I would say I am looking through pictures because there are just no words.

Me and Mom 1978

Mom (and me on the far left) at the zoo for my 5th Birthday.  She would have been about the age I am now.

This is my 7th birthday party….the Ladybug Luncheon that was the start of all of the crazy birthday traditions with my boys.

Mom holding me with my Paternal Grandmother and Great Grandmothers

Me and Mom with my Maternal Grandmother and Great Grandmother

Giving Grandma the flower he made

We had such a great time and it went just as you would expect…..Grandma drove 25 minutes to my house to pick me up, I made lunch for both of us, we arrived and had no idea where to go, we were asked to go outside in the hot but wet courtyard, and Little Guy sat with his friends and did not really eat a thing.  Then he got up, lost control of the stick I asked him to put down….the stick flew into another mother’s lunch….he tried to climb a tree and then ran and ran and ran.  He paused twice once for me to open his chips and once to give me and Grandma a kiss.  IT WAS SO WORTH IT!

My Grandparents at Mom and Dad’s Wedding

Nanny at my second birthday party

Grandma Brown never liked her picture to be taken….but this is one of my favorites….she is in the red with her little sister a couple of years ago.

Nanny holding Big Guy

I remember as a child that every time my grandparents came to something it must be “really important”.  Now, as a parent, I realize exactly why his precious school asked grandparents to come have lunch and meet their friends.  This is such an important part of their lives at four and a half.

I am so thankful for the time I had with my grandparents growing up.  I am also so pleased at the way life has allowed my boys to spend time with their grandparents.  They have different relationships with each set, just as I did.  But, my dad and Dillon’s parents make sure to do what they can to offer their love and get to know each nuance of my precious boys.  The boys get to know my mom from the stories my sisters and I tell and her wonderful brothers and sister’s in laws who go above and beyond.

I will say there have been times when I want to hog my kids all to myself or not go to “the trouble” of getting two little guys out for a holiday or family get together and yet I remember with such fondness Grandma, Nanny and Papa.  Selfishly I am so happy that I realized these important relationships early in my parenting….planting seeds for my little guys of how great grandparents are……like ME!  :)

Off to pick up the sweet little guys who will be tired and starving, nurse them back to tolerable creatures and take them to Cub Scouts.  Did I mention I am now a Den Mom.  REALLY?  This should be interesting.

This past April 14, my birthday none the less, ABC announced that All My Children is going off the air.  Go ahead….roll your eyes.  I told you it is embarrassing.  I am blushing as I type.  What is more humiliating is that I have cried, real tears, more than once over this news.  Yes, this is when you stop reading and never return to R&TM again.  But, before you do, let me explain myself.

I could not have been much older than Little Guy, I am guessing around 4 years old. Each morning I would sit at my mother’s feet, under her big wooden desk, while she worked.  Behind her, on the credenza, sat an old Sanyo black and white tv/radio combo.  I think she would turn on the radio for a while.  Then, every day at 11:00 am, she would flip the television onto ABC and listen to the latest antics with Erica Kane and her many men.  I do not have a lot of memories of the plot, but I knew it was in my best interest to sit there quietly, so I did.

Years went by and I generally kept up with Pine Valley.  During the school year, I would frequently ask my mom if anything exciting happened and she would always act like she didn’t watch it anymore.

Then, the summer of my teenage years.  Mom made a deal with me and Tracy.  If we took care of Mary, who was 10 years younger, while she went up to her office until noon, she would take us to the pool for the afternoon.  (***Another guilty pleasure/confession…I was a pool rat at the Enid Country Club for at least 8 years.  Seriously, when my parents made me get a job, I became a lifeguard….at the club.  Still blushing.)  Here was the “understanding” I had with my youngest sister.  When she woke up, she would go make herself breakfast and let me sleep until 11:00 am.  You guessed it, so I could watch All My Children.  I would do my chores during the commercials.  It was a sweet life to say the least.

I was pretty obsessed with the characters by this point.  I think I was 14 or so when my parents surprised us with a long weekend in Los Angeles.  We had plans to stay at a nice hotel, go shopping and see a Lakers Game.  The first night we were all headed up to our room after dinner.  We stepped on to the elevator as I burst out, “Mom, that was Bo Buchanan”.  She didn’t believe me so I made her “discreetly” walk back through the hotel lobby.  Sure enough.  It was Robert Woods from One Life to Live.  I spent the next three days trying to find Tad the Cad….you know, Michael Knight from AMC.  The womanizer none the less….I was in love.  We eventually found out that he was not attending the awards that year…..however, we only discovered this after I made the whole family stand along the red carpet instead of going to see the LA Lakers.  **I am not sure how I did this.  Lesson learned….never let a 14 year old girl make decisions on family vacations or you too will do something stupid and miss out on a real opportunity.  I did come home with countless pictures of random Soap Stars walking the red carpet.

Years passed and I turned 16.  I could drive.  So, I came home for lunch about 3 times a week to watch my favorite show and save money.  Added bonus, I could afford to eat at much nicer places the other two days.  Again, it was perfect.  Mom would often come in and talk to me and watch.  It was funny how much she had kept up with when she was “no longer watching.”

College came and I made sure not to have class during my show.  You could always count on me eating lunch and watching the drama going down on ABC.  My work life began and I would make it home for lunch or check updates online a few times a week.  Characters came and went, but I always knew generally what was happening.

Big guy was born and I would look forward to AMC every day.  Often, it was the most excitement we would have all day.  I would be so desperate for conversation with Law Man that it was during this point that he became aware of my obsession…..this is a good 10+ years after we met.  He usually had to clarify if the story I was telling him was about “real people”.

Ever since then, I have watched All My Children when I just happen to be around.  This is the number 1 reason I do not have a DVR….I don’t want to feed the monster.  Fast forward to April 14, 2011.  The big announcement day.  I cried.  Really?!?!  I knew it was ridiculous.  But it got me thinking about my mom.  I was instantly back under her desk watching this ludicrous show.  Memories of mindless television and this show that had been around through so many phases of my life.  But, that is not when the tears started.  I began to think that, because mom died when I was only 31, there is a significant chance that eventually there will be no more everyday things that remind me of her.  Then, I will forget about her.  I know this is probably not really true, but still, the tears flowed.

Gosh, Mom would be so proud that it is All My Children that caused me to come to this conclusion.  :)

So, what do I like to do to celebrate such blessings…..  cook and eat!

Menu

Fresh Fruit

Croissant

Donut

Aunt Linda’s Lemon Strawberry Bars

Blueberry Crumble Bread

Baked French Toast

Curry Chicken Salad

Breakfast Casserole with Artichokes, Canadian Bacon and Goat Cheese

Green Chile, Bacon Sausage and Cheese Egg Muffins (I added a pound of bacon sausage…I had never seen it before, but I figured….how can you go wrong with bacon?  and I was right!!!)

There was a special place for my mother in law….complete with a special cup of hot tea.

I had seriously thought about setting a place for my mom, but in an effort not to creep everyone out…I did not.  However, I love how, unintentionally, the needle sampler mom made years ago, made it into my picture of the place settings.

There was a special table for the kids….the boys were thrilled to have a special place and help out their sweet cousin.

One of the highlights was to see Baby Jude.  He smiled all morning.

This was a great event and really a lot of fun to prepare.  It really did feel at times like I was cooking with my mom.  I especially enjoyed ironing her table linens.  I know she was smiling at the whole process.

Sunday was still a little melancholy, but healing takes time and it has only been two years.

Happy Day After Mother’s Day!!!

Jesse and Charlie at their baptism in 2007

When my sister told us she was having another baby, I *promised* that I would make a baptismal gown for the little one if it was a girl.  Well….you all know, it was a girl.  Let’s just say that some people’s eyes are bigger than their stomachs….my eyes are bigger than my free knitting time.  So, I settled on a bonnet.

a bonnet close up!

This pretty much defines my relationship with my niece. 

Oh, yes…she does have a family of her own.  (Jesse and Charlie are so big now.)

Our side of the extended family….Uncle Steve and Aunt Cindy were sweet enough to make the trip and represent my mom’s side of the family.  After all, Lucye is named after that side and has an uncanny resemblance to my mother.

What a great day!!!…..then we were off with the big boys to hunt eggs!

I am at a phase in my life where the country ballad is….for the lack of a better word….inapplicable to my life.  I don’t enjoy them nearly as much as I used to…..it is sort of like the Lifetime Movie Network.  Yes, I used to watch that, a lot actually.  I think it was when my life became a plot to one of their movies that I decided I was over watching them.  Law Man was so thankful.  Needless to say, I do not listen to a lot of country music anymore at all, but here in Oklahoma it is hard to miss, even with Satellite Radio.

There is one song that I keep hearing and finding my self relate.  I think it is supposed to be about breaking up with someone.  Seeing as if I have been with Law Man 15 years yesterday (dating included)…..I am not sure that I really remember what it would be like to try to get over someone in this capacity.  However, it does remind me a lot of how I feel about losing my mom.

Mom died 22 months ago.  There are days and weeks now that go by with out anyone mentioning her.  There was a deafening silence marking her absence with the birth of Lucye, no one really mentioned her, but I know she was in all of our hearts and minds.  Lucye was the first of her grandchildren to be born since she died.

I am also keenly aware that today is Ash Wednesday.  The first day of Lent.  A season of remembrance and repentance.  Both of these things lead me each year to a time of self reflection.  I only vaguely remember Lent the past few years.  I think I was in the throws of mourning.

Now, I am ready.  I am not sure I am ready for closure or whatever that final destination is, but I am ready to allow myself to think about what is left of me.

This song, the birth of my niece and the beginning of the season of Lent have led me to realize that somewhere when I was just going on with life I have become stronger.  I am not sure when it happened or how or which conversation allowed the tide to turn.  All I know is that I am thankful.

So, for the next 46 days I plan on spending some time reflecting.  I have been fairly cautious about what I share with all of my readers for a lot of reasons.  However, I think I will share some of my thoughts and discoveries with you in the next few weeks.  Please don’t be surprised or offended if these posts fall in the midst of some crazy knitting project or obnoxious thing my boys and I find ourselves doing.  This is how life is.  Also, remember that everyone deals with death in their own way.  There is not a right way and short of being destructive to yourself or others, I do not think there is a wrong way.  ***A note to the few readers who know outside of this blog.  I am okay.  If you read something I write and five minutes later see me picking up my children or looking disheveled or elated, no need to worry.  These are things I have been dealing with for the past several years.  If you want to ask me about it, that is fine.  I will not write anything here that I am not comfortable talking about.  And frankly, if I don’t want to elaborate on something I will gently tell you. ***

If you want to just skip over these little reflective moments…feel free.  I am sharing this not to give you all a sneak peak into our sometimes messy life.  I am sharing this intending to show that their is hope and wholeness during and after illness, addiction, loss and death.  There is healing after families disagree, are dishonest, and are often in denial.  There was a time when I could not say confidently that this type of healing and hope was possible, but now I can and I am experiencing it every day…..even on my weakest days.

***One last little thing….these are my experiences and perceptions.  They are not necessarily those of the rest of my family.  We are all healing, at different rates and in different ways, but we are all becoming whole again.

What is the song I am referring to?  That new Sara Evans song, A Little Bit Stronger.  Here are the lyrics omitting  the chorus that is clearly about a boyfriend.

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I’m trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I’m getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

I know my heart will never be the same
But I’m telling myself I’ll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn’t happen overnight but you turn around
And a month’s gone by and you realize you haven’t cried
I’m not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I’m busy getting stronger

The shower was full of handmade details.  Felt banners, custom conversation hearts, knit and crocheted hearts and chains, and of course the felt balls.

We got to use my mother’s china….I love this pattern.

Did I mention it had snowed for five days?  The guests were real troopers so we gave them a lot of parting gifts.

The grandparents went over the top with CUTE!

Mary even channeled mom and found a perfect piece of baby jewelry.  This would have definitely made mom happy!

I was so pleased to host the shower with just of couple of my sister’s sweet, sweet friends….she knows how to pick them.

I think Tracy and Lucye got the picture……

We love them both very much!

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