I have a word

I have listened to the CMP since my first trip, just me and the kids, out to New Mexico.  I felt a connection to the producer since the beginning.  We not only share our name, but we share a passion for finding beauty in the simple happenings of motherhood.

For the past couple of years, she has talked at the beginning of each year about having a word.  I thought this was an intriguing idea, but I am a person of a lot of words.  I struggled with this coming up with something and then changing it…coming up with the perfect thing, no not quite.  Finally, I gave up.

Just before this latest snow/ice storm I went on a run.  A real run…yes, I actually ran and walked a little.  I knew the beautiful days were fleeting and I wanted to make the best of it.  What to listen to?  There was a new CMP, so I turned it on.  Again, she was discussing this idea of the word.  Amy talked about having trouble coming up with a word she felt comfortable with each year…..but she always found one.  I decided I wouldn’t even try this year.  It was just too frustrating.

Fast forward past nearly seven days of miserable weather and I am back at the gym.  Another CMP.  It hit me.  I have a word.  I am going to stick with this one…I think it fully encompasses where I am in my life.

I had batted around the word “Balance” several times in the past few years.  I think that is something that would be great to strive for….the problem.  When I think of balance, I think of a teeter-totter…you have to have everything in perfect position and then you just try to not to take a breath so you don’t lose your balance.  This did not seem like what I needed to have as my focus word.

She talked about several things that resonated with me.  Trying to find an identity that fits through the ever evolving life of motherhood.  Her hands and how she is constantly being drawn to them.  It goes on and on and “my word” began to surface.  Then, I listened to the final song…Full of Grace by Laura Hughes.

The lyrics really struck me and brought into focus how I  need to cut myself a little slack.  My mom died a tragic death just months ago.  It would not be human to go on with a perfectly “balanced” life.  I was particularly drawn to the line, “When you empty me of everything that felt safe.  I am full, full of grace.”  This is how I feel.  I am trying to raise my children as if I have amnesia.  It is too painful to think about my childhood, how mom and dad parented me, how I felt when they tucked me in or read me a book.  I am sure this is just a defense mechanism to keep the small bit of sanity that I have left, but it is a scary place to try to raise children. Then it clicked….

“Centered.”  This is how I want to live in 2010.  When I think of centered, I think of that

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