Tag Archives: Lent Reflection

We are back….*I think*

Things have been a bit dicey around our house lately….it started with this…

IMG_0317 (Both boys were diagnosed with Strep and suspected to have the flu.)

Then, Law Man was put on antibiotics for some suspicious bacterial infection…not strep.

Two days later….this…

IMG_0357 I was diagnosed with the Flu….type A….because I listened to my pediatrician and did NOT get a flu shot….since, “everyone was getting type B”.

Somewhere in here was Spring Break and St. Patrick’s Day….and then….

IMG_0381 Law Man woke up with half of his face numb….long story short….over the following 8 days his conditioned worsened, we saw four different doctors, had an MRI, and finally received the diagnosis of Ramsay Hunt Syndrome.

He is doing better now, but he is still not 100%.  Needless to say, it has been a scary time……but, I have realized more than ever that I am right where I need to be in my life right now….and, we have some of the best friends and family.  They have called us, sent us flowers, made us dinner, helped with the kiddos….the list goes on and on.

I also had a real taste of “for better and for worse, through sickness and health.”  Law Man and I make a great team.  More on that another time.

 

I Still feel the Sting

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I am at a phase in my life where the country ballad is….for the lack of a better word….inapplicable to my life.  I don’t enjoy them nearly as much as I used to…..it is sort of like the Lifetime Movie Network.  Yes, I used to watch that, a lot actually.  I think it was when my life became a plot to one of their movies that I decided I was over watching them.  Law Man was so thankful.  Needless to say, I do not listen to a lot of country music anymore at all, but here in Oklahoma it is hard to miss, even with Satellite Radio.

There is one song that I keep hearing and finding my self relate.  I think it is supposed to be about breaking up with someone.  Seeing as if I have been with Law Man 15 years yesterday (dating included)…..I am not sure that I really remember what it would be like to try to get over someone in this capacity.  However, it does remind me a lot of how I feel about losing my mom.

Mom died 22 months ago.  There are days and weeks now that go by with out anyone mentioning her.  There was a deafening silence marking her absence with the birth of Lucye, no one really mentioned her, but I know she was in all of our hearts and minds.  Lucye was the first of her grandchildren to be born since she died.

I am also keenly aware that today is Ash Wednesday.  The first day of Lent.  A season of remembrance and repentance.  Both of these things lead me each year to a time of self reflection.  I only vaguely remember Lent the past few years.  I think I was in the throws of mourning.

Now, I am ready.  I am not sure I am ready for closure or whatever that final destination is, but I am ready to allow myself to think about what is left of me.

This song, the birth of my niece and the beginning of the season of Lent have led me to realize that somewhere when I was just going on with life I have become stronger.  I am not sure when it happened or how or which conversation allowed the tide to turn.  All I know is that I am thankful.

So, for the next 46 days I plan on spending some time reflecting.  I have been fairly cautious about what I share with all of my readers for a lot of reasons.  However, I think I will share some of my thoughts and discoveries with you in the next few weeks.  Please don’t be surprised or offended if these posts fall in the midst of some crazy knitting project or obnoxious thing my boys and I find ourselves doing.  This is how life is.  Also, remember that everyone deals with death in their own way.  There is not a right way and short of being destructive to yourself or others, I do not think there is a wrong way.  ***A note to the few readers who know outside of this blog.  I am okay.  If you read something I write and five minutes later see me picking up my children or looking disheveled or elated, no need to worry.  These are things I have been dealing with for the past several years.  If you want to ask me about it, that is fine.  I will not write anything here that I am not comfortable talking about.  And frankly, if I don’t want to elaborate on something I will gently tell you. ***

If you want to just skip over these little reflective moments…feel free.  I am sharing this not to give you all a sneak peak into our sometimes messy life.  I am sharing this intending to show that their is hope and wholeness during and after illness, addiction, loss and death.  There is healing after families disagree, are dishonest, and are often in denial.  There was a time when I could not say confidently that this type of healing and hope was possible, but now I can and I am experiencing it every day…..even on my weakest days.

***One last little thing….these are my experiences and perceptions.  They are not necessarily those of the rest of my family.  We are all healing, at different rates and in different ways, but we are all becoming whole again.

What is the song I am referring to?  That new Sara Evans song, A Little Bit Stronger.  Here are the lyrics omitting  the chorus that is clearly about a boyfriend.

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I’m trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I’m getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

I know my heart will never be the same
But I’m telling myself I’ll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn’t happen overnight but you turn around
And a month’s gone by and you realize you haven’t cried
I’m not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I’m busy getting stronger