Tag Archives: Not Just A Word

Healing

Things have been very quiet here on R&TM.  This, again, was unintentional.  This time it lasted longer than usual and there have been times that I wondered if I would leave things this way.  This blog has become sacred space for me.  A place where I can be me…the me that loves to create but also is in constant battle with myself about what I can do to make myself whole again after losing myself in my mothers illness.  I was sad to see it come to an end, but what has always come as a natural longing to write in a public forum seemed to be gone.

Today it hit me.  I haven’t been silent here because I had given up.  I was silent here because I have been healing.  Opportunities have arisen as catalysts to facing things and people that I was afraid to confront.  This is difficult in the midst of raising two little boys.  They have needs that only I can meet and the older and more active they become, the more demanding they can be.  Needless to say, this does not lend itself to fertile soil to confront this emotional *stuff*.  Know thy self, is a phrase that I often meditate upon.  And, knowing myself has kept me keenly aware that I do need to confront these shadows that have remained in the wake of my mother’s death.  So, I persevered and moved toward them instead of away.  The dilemma was that every step forward seemed to lead to two steps back.  The more forgiveness I felt the more I missed my mom.  The more relationships I fostered in her memory the more I just wanted her back instead.  It was in this process that the giant weight fell on me.  The last couple of years of her life I felt a constant sense that her not being here would be better than the pain she was causing.  The boulder that fell on me was that no, it is not.  I wish she were here.  Sure I wish she had found a place to be whole, but either way, I just want to hear her voice and tell her about my kids.

This is where I spent the holidays.  I wrestled with this truth and the more I wanted to tuck it away and “just enjoy the time with the family I had left” I kept it in my heart and on my mind.  Now, as the dust is settling from the season, I can see that the steps that I felt were going backward were tiny and the steps forward are leading me through this darkness and I am healing.

So, it looks like I am back.  Back to share the magic of Christmas that we experienced here with my mom’s presence and memories.  Here to remind everyone to continue creating your own beauty and make space for the simple things in life.  My word this year,

healing |ˈhēliNG| noun

the process of making or becoming sound or healthy again: the gift of healing.

Uninspired…..

Leave it to a long weekend to chew me up and spit me out leaving me uninspired.  With school back in session, I have had a little extra time on my hands, but instead of creating new things….I have unconsciously used the time to rehash old things.  I have forgotten things I want to remember and thought way to much about things I want to forget.  My crazy dreams have even resumed and I wake up feeling less rested than I was when I fell asleep.

So, since I am felling less than inspiring….here are a few things that help me.IMG_6104

Hanging out with the family and a zillion books!

Jeremy & Kathleen — I love this blog and its use of my favorite symbol the ampersand!!!


This video…..found at Me and My Shortloffs…..

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Watching a good storm come in

Now it is time to be centered.  Clearly I have not spent enough time with this word this year!!!

Blessings to you all!!!!

I have a word

I have listened to the CMP since my first trip, just me and the kids, out to New Mexico.  I felt a connection to the producer since the beginning.  We not only share our name, but we share a passion for finding beauty in the simple happenings of motherhood.

For the past couple of years, she has talked at the beginning of each year about having a word.  I thought this was an intriguing idea, but I am a person of a lot of words.  I struggled with this coming up with something and then changing it…coming up with the perfect thing, no not quite.  Finally, I gave up.

Just before this latest snow/ice storm I went on a run.  A real run…yes, I actually ran and walked a little.  I knew the beautiful days were fleeting and I wanted to make the best of it.  What to listen to?  There was a new CMP, so I turned it on.  Again, she was discussing this idea of the word.  Amy talked about having trouble coming up with a word she felt comfortable with each year…..but she always found one.  I decided I wouldn’t even try this year.  It was just too frustrating.

Fast forward past nearly seven days of miserable weather and I am back at the gym.  Another CMP.  It hit me.  I have a word.  I am going to stick with this one…I think it fully encompasses where I am in my life.

I had batted around the word “Balance” several times in the past few years.  I think that is something that would be great to strive for….the problem.  When I think of balance, I think of a teeter-totter…you have to have everything in perfect position and then you just try to not to take a breath so you don’t lose your balance.  This did not seem like what I needed to have as my focus word.

She talked about several things that resonated with me.  Trying to find an identity that fits through the ever evolving life of motherhood.  Her hands and how she is constantly being drawn to them.  It goes on and on and “my word” began to surface.  Then, I listened to the final song…Full of Grace by Laura Hughes.

The lyrics really struck me and brought into focus how I  need to cut myself a little slack.  My mom died a tragic death just months ago.  It would not be human to go on with a perfectly “balanced” life.  I was particularly drawn to the line, “When you empty me of everything that felt safe.  I am full, full of grace.”  This is how I feel.  I am trying to raise my children as if I have amnesia.  It is too painful to think about my childhood, how mom and dad parented me, how I felt when they tucked me in or read me a book.  I am sure this is just a defense mechanism to keep the small bit of sanity that I have left, but it is a scary place to try to raise children. Then it clicked….

“Centered.”  This is how I want to live in 2010.  When I think of centered, I think of that